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straitlover
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Name: Sammy
Gender: Female
Interests: George Strait, Garth Brooks, painting, marching band, volleyball, parties, teddy bears, and HORSES (Natch, Jackson, Ramana, Kobe, Chip, Pony, and Santana)
Expertise: ...
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  supersam1121
Yahoo:  sammyt917@yahoo.com
Member Since:
6/28/2005
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| It breaks my heart everytime I hear it, but it makes me stronger at the same time. I just...it just pisses me off so incredibly much to hear my name tied to the word "love" when the person saying it doesn't know the first thing about loving someone.
The Bible says it...
Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
Love Never Fails.
Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8
That's what love is.
Funny...I always protected and trusted and hoped and endured so effing much and what did I get in return?
If I go by this passage...I don't love him anymore. There's no kindness left in me, there's no more trust, there's nothing more to believe in, there's nothing left I could possibly give even if I tried. I've only been in love once...I can say that...I can. I was...I knew what it was to really love someone...to sacrifice...to be patient...not jealous...trusting, but there's only so much a person can take and there's only so much a person can give before they have nothing left to give and they recieve nothing but hurtful words...lies...anger...pride...no...no one's loved me. To love me, you'd have to know what true love is. And I don't feel bad speaking negatively of him, because I have nothing good to say about him. Nothing.
....story....
...Mom and I rarely touch on the subject because it's painful for her, but one day while we were just in the kitchen talking about how aweful the whole experience had been and mom paused...she looked at me and said...knowing what you know now and what you've learned from the situation and how much stronger it's made you, would you do it all over again?
...i thought about it...rolled it around a bit (even though Rocco says "no rolling. nothing needs to be rolled." haha)...and finally said no...i wouldn't.
I really wouldn't. I wish we'd never met. It's not because I despise him to no end or anything...no, it's because the pain I went through for what I thought was actually something worth suffering for...and the fact I'll never be able to forget him...ever...and I've had to go through so much after the fact...it's because of that, that wish I could have taken it all back. I would rather have gone through a million little break ups that hurt like hell for a week or two but then you can look back and smile on and even laugh at later than the one that changed me and that I'll never be able to look back on and smile or laugh at. Sure I remember jokes and laugh abt some stuff, but overall as a whole, it was a nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I don't mean to be hurtful...I don't mean to lash out and express my negative feelings for someon I loved, but I didn't create the situation. I didn't ask for it. If there's one thing I've learned in "life" is that...no one asks for something bad to happen to them...no one asks to be cheated on....to be lied to...no one asks to be hurt by someone they love. So forgive me for being hurt and angered that someone can tie your name to the word "love" when to me...that's a slap in the face.
I understand why God says (in this random book I read - not the Bible) that it's better to go on never having known Him than to have known and loved Him and to have turned away from Him.
I feel that same way. The betrayl and hurt He feels when people that claim to love Him turn from him...that's what it is. And in that case, it would have been better to never have known me at all.
If he could ever look into my eyes again, surely he'd see pain...hurt...
Not even a goodbye...not even the decency to tell me the truth...no explaination...so why should I have to hide how I feel?
And go ahead, speak well of me, because all I did was love...unconditionally and unselfishly and wholeheartedly...trusting and believing in us.
Life's unfair, but God only gives us what we can handle and if this is hell on earth, then only the best can come after life. There's so much more on my mind than just this, but it's easier to talk about this and vent than to talk about the other stuff.
Even if you don't like country, it's a great song to listen to. It's not really country sounding at all...the electric guitar just breaks my heart everytime...keithe urban is friggin awesome.
****EDIT****
phew i felt better after that...don't like re-reading it but i said what i guess i needed to. it's been so long. i shower time i made peace with myself and everyone. i'm good. still think it's stupid but i'm actually not upset anymore.
i won't let one letdown make me cold hearted and bitter cause it's not worth it so no worries.
**this was a vent i had on facebook but took it down casue i didn't want everyone and their mama's to read it. a lil dramatic, but it's what i felt at midnight.**
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| That's when it was official. That's when the ackward curly haired girl that loved colors..esp blue. and I's friendship died. Still, I don't know what happened. Apparently we were just two different people, but funny thing is...no one else around me has noticed me change. I hadn't changed. She did and she has. I think about her sometimes and I feel sorry. Not in way that I feel superior to her, but I really do feel sorry for her and the little of what I hear she goes through. And sometimes the ex best friend in me wants to drive by her house with a pint of Dublin Mudslide and a rose with a note wishing her well and letting her know she's not alone...and leave it on her doorstep, ring the doorbell and run off, but something in me wouldn't let me do that.
You know what...the sad thing about me is...even now...even after the mean things she said to me, about me and whatnot, if she needed a friend...even if it was just someone to talk to...and she called me out...I'd be there for her. Kinda pathetic but I can't hold a grudge or just let someone I knew and cared for suffer alone.
I guess I just miss my best friend. Who she was more than who she is. At one point in her life, before things got out of contril she knew who she was and what she wanted in life and I admired her for it. I don't know what will become of her in the future, but I hope she gets the help she needs cause she doesnt seem to be doing so well. Pray by the beads...not the blade.
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| k so i'm tired of the ups and downs, so....i'm just gonna not care. but it's hard not too. and i refuse to say why and i don't wanna talk about it here...SOOOO...paper it is. AAAH!
I wanna find him...the him that will see me for me and that I can baby and laugh with and just be me with....grrr.
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| there's so much i'm feeling and thinking and i have no one to really talk abt it to cause it's only really improtant to me. I hope no one i'm hinting at reads this cause i'll be screwed.
lol
well i dunno...i don't know what to think and i dunno what to feel. I'm just so confused. I don't wanna like him but I do and I don't want him to remind me of "him" but he does and I don't know how to be vulnerable around him cause the fear of rejection and whatnot is here and when it's there my wall's up and when my wall's up i'm absolutely no fun to be around. like seriously, i'm such a diff. person when i know if i can just show how i feel. i'm so scared 3 yrs ago will repeat itself.
i thought about it and when mom asked me if i had to do it all over again, i thought about it and seriously, said no, i wouldn't. i was happy for a short time, but the pain i endured is something i'd never wish upon anyone ever and i wouldn't want to relive it no matter what kind of valuable lesson it taught me. let me learn 1000 little ones that'll get me to know what i know now rather than that ever again. i just wanna be happy and i hate him for being happy when i haven't been able to find it with anyone. i hate him for lying and being a coward and still coming out on top. i hope there's something better out there for me...something that is taking this long cause the more time passes the more i wonder how it is that the pure hearted and good ones finish last.
i dunno what to do. do i do anything? i wish i could read minds...i wish i knew. but this is how i felt 3 yrs ago and i hated it then. i can't compare though. it sucks. i just wish i could be myself no matter what. it's funny, once i know what role to take, no matter whether it's what i wanted or not, i can be myself. i'm actually fun to be around and i talk nonstop and i can make anything fun and i like being deep and all that stuff...but sometimes it doesn't show and now's one of those times. cause i dunno how to be. i don't. i really really really hope no one reads this that i don't want to but yet...at the same time...
i dunno. i DON'T KNOW! lol.
ah i love how i can laugh even when i feel like poo.
oh well. i think i'll take a sprint down baxter real quick and then come back...maybe i'll get some endorphines going and be all happy. i just need to pretend like it's nothing.
but what if he's like me...what if....AH ok i really gotta go.
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| Happy New Year!!!
Life's amazing and I'm so excited for this year!!!
2007....to new memeories and experiences!
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